20 Weeks

I started writing this entry yesterday so forgive me if it sounds a little all over the place.  We just got home from a visit to see DH's grandmother who was moved to a hospice center yesterday.  It was a long sad day and before we even made it back we learned that she had passed away.

So, while I'm very happy to have reached the midway point in my pregnancy I'm also busy with the sad news of losing a loved one.  She lived a long, full life - nearly ninety years though I'm not sure if anyone knows her real age.  She was still teaching a few months ago! It was tough seeing her on her last day and I'm glad she didn't have to be in that suspended state for much longer.  May she rest in peace.

Now onto the baby, which she had predicted would be a girl.

How Far Along: 20 weeks
Size of baby: Baby is the size of a banana. A banana, really?
Total Weight Gain/Loss:  Still  at pre-IVF weight which is 5 pounds less than the day of my IVF retrieval but 5 pounds more than I was on the day of my BFP.
Workouts: Nada.
Maternity Clothes: Yes, need more but I'm cheap.
Gender: We will find out February 1st! 3rd because we're doing a cheesy gender reveal cake with our families.  Hate away, I'm excited!
Movement: Yes, I think so.  It's pretty subtle but I think I'm getting a lot at bedtime. DH thinks he even felt it one night.
Sleep: From good to awful to okay.

What I miss: Not peeing all the time.  This too was supposed to go away in the second trimester but I haven't been so lucky.

Cravings: Nada.Symptoms: Heartburn is back!  It actually just started a few hours ago but it sucks the big one.
Anxiety Level: Awful.  I'm back on Zoloft.  I only lasted eleven days and then the walls came crumbling down but more on that later.

Best Moment this week: I posted my 20 week picture on Facebook and got a million likes.  I'm so vain.

Reading: Still reading A Discovery of Witches but it has started to really suck.  I'm almost done so I guess I'll just plow through.

Dad is: Sad about his grandmother but hopeful about the job interviews he's had recently.

 

So I need to save most of my funny pregnancy anecdotes for a time when I feel less sad but I will say this: walking around with a giant bowling ball resting on top of your pelvis takes friggen work.  I feel like I'm wearing a Halloween costume. It is weird!  I used to think pictures of bare pregnancy bellies were GROSS - who wants to see that?  The answer is - I do!  I seriously can't stop staring at my bump. I'm a little obsessed with it.  I probably won't post any pictures of it online but I will save some for myself.  Because it is friggen cool.

19 Weeks

19 weeks!  Where is my second trimester boost of energy? It's past noon and I'm drinking a latte and I'm still sort of blah. I woke up at 7 a.m. to say goodbye to DH as he had to head off to Boston  (on a day that is supposedly a holiday for his company but whatever, they suck) and could barely wake back up again at 10:30.  Truthfully I only got out of bed because both cats were glaring at me that I was in their territory past acceptable human sleep hours.

I think my fatigue may actually be contagious.  After working until 8 Friday night (three comp hours accrued towards my Gizmo Maternity Leave Stash) I picked up DH and told him we had to head straight to the concert we had planned on seeing that night.  It was in a town 40 minutes from us and I knew if I had stopped in the apartment first I would be tempted by pajamas and the couch.  We get there and have dinner and, before I know it, DH wants to turn around and go home.  It was funny because I was only really dragging myself out there because I thought he wanted to go.  Sigh. We drove 80 minutes to eat chicken Alfredo. We're old, tired people and Gizmo is not even here yet.

I look like a big pregnant person now.  I can't even imagine what 21 more weeks will bring. Forgive the crazy eyes in this photo.  I suck at self portraiture.  I want to get better at it since I just ordered a shiny new Iphone 5 and the camera is supposed to be pretty good.  I'm also wearing a hat because I don't feel like washing my hair on a national holiday. I am looking forward to the day when my belly extends past my boobs because they're about even now and it makes me feel a little bit like Violet in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

How Far Along: 19 weeks
Size of baby: Baby is the size of a mango.
Total Weight Gain/Loss:  Hovering at pre-IVF weight which is 5 pounds less than the day of my IVF retrieval but 5 pounds more than I was on the day of my BFP.
Workouts: Nada.
Maternity Clothes: Mainly except for when I am not leaving my house in which case sweats, tanks and DH's clothes work just fine.
Gender: We will find out February 1st! 3rd because we're doing a cheesy gender reveal cake with our families.  Hate away, I'm excited!
Movement: Nope.  Getting a little antsy because it seems like EVERYONE on my birth month board is feeling regular kicks.

Sleep: Meh.  A little anxious right at bedtime.

What I miss: Nothing.  As of this week wine doesn't taste like acid so I have a glass every now and then.

Cravings: Nada.

Symptoms: A little more heartburn but not as bad as last week.
Anxiety Level: Holding steady at 2-3 except for occasional bedtime panic, especially when I realize I'm not taking my nightly Zoloft.

Best Moment this week: Just being home for an entire seven day period for the first time in forever.

Reading: Still reading A Discovery of Witches.

Dad is: In Boston until late Friday, boo.  He applied for a few new jobs this week so we're hoping for good news.

 

I met with my psychiatrist and my psychologist on Friday and told them about weaning off Zoloft.  I think both were a little surprised because it came out of the blue but they were supportive. So far it's been going well. I'm a little worried about my house of cards just coming tumbling down and me experiencing a regression.  Today, for example, I played a sad song on my headphones on my walk back from the store and seriously almost burst into tears.  I also called a Verizon Wireless customer service representative a dick. Oh, unregulated feelings, how I've missed you!

 

Feeling a little frustrated about the fact that it will be months and months before I can set up a nursery for Gizmo.  Again, this problem is exacerbated by reading posts on my birth month board like "finally painted the nursery" and "which crib should I buy?" I'm not buying anything right now and Gizmo will not be coming home to a nursery of his or her own and I have to just relax about that. Gizmo has over $3,000 in his/her 529 plan already and we're saving over $1,000 a month towards our down payment goal.  We met with a lawyer last week to get wills and trusts set up and next Saturday we have our physicals for our life insurance plans.  I'm doing stuff for Gizmo!  Just not anything worthy of putting on Pinterest.  Sigh.

18 Weeks

Eighteen weeks in and I finally popped my pregnancy puking cherry.  Oh wow, heartburn is a bitch.   I can't really complain because I've had a fairly easy pregnancy so far and got to do a crapload of vacationing over the past three weeks. In fact, between December 22nd and yesterday, I had only been to work three times.  But woah, stomach bile does not feel good on the way up and out.

We had such a great time on our cruise.  I'm planning on writing a full trip report in a later post but for now I am back and (hopefully) won't be missing any more work until Gizmo is here so it's Buckle Down Baby time.  I had to work until 9 pm tonight and expect to have at least one late night a week from here until June.  Four hours of comp time equals four more hours I get to spend off with Gizmo so I'm actually looking forward to the late nights. Sometimes it's fun and we get to play Yahtzee but mostly I am super productive when most people have left the office.

My belly has gotten SO big this week.  The dress I bought at Target months ago finally fits.  Check it out.  Please ignore the huge pile of mail visible in this picture.  It all adds up over a long vacation!

How Far Along: 18 weeks
Size of baby: Baby is the size of an sweet potato.
Total Weight Gain/Loss:  Still under IVF weight.  I may even be back under my pre-IVF weight too but the scale has said two different things over the past two days so the jury is still out.
Workouts: Nada.
Maternity Clothes: Packing for my trip I found out that, sadly, none of my non-maternity t-shirts fit anymore,  including the super comfortable ones I had just bought a few months back and have been wearing almost exclusively since.  I can still wear a few normal tank tops but it's time to start shopping.
Gender: We will find out February 1st! 3rd because we're doing a cheesy gender reveal cake with our families.  Hate away, I'm excited!

Movement: I think so?  Nothing really certain yet.  Every time I think it happens there's nothing for days after to confirm my feeling.

Sleep: Good!  I was amazed I was able to sleep like a baby on my cruise.

What I miss: Dancing at concerts.  Or just standing up so I can see the band.  Still can't stand for more than ten minutes.

Cravings: Tomato juice but DH says I can't have anymore because of the heartburn.

Symptoms: Standing up ---> cramps; heartburn has started and is the worst thing ever.  I also can't shake this cold I've had all week.
Anxiety Level: I swore I was having a panic attack last night but it turned out I just had to puke bile.  I'm weaning off the Zoloft now so I'm nervous about it but so far, so good.

Best Moment this week: Turning 33 on the high seas!

Reading: Finished 11/22/63 and loved it.  Now I'm reading A Discovery of Witches.

Dad is: Asleep by 11 pm tonight.  Someone must have worked hard catching up today.  He also brought me dinner and heartburn relief to work tonight.

 

So...weaning off Zoloft.  I was going to wait until I met with my therapist this Friday to figure out if I even wanted to give this a shot but then I forgot to take it for the last couple days of vacation and so I am just not taking it anymore.  Last time I tried to do this I didn't last two weeks before deciding I needed to go back on.  I have no idea what to expect.  I'm in a much better place emotionally than I was at my last weaning attempt but I'm still not convinced that I don't have a fundamental brain chemistry imbalance that requires lifelong management.  Here's hoping I'm wrong.

 

I still feel a little unattached to the pregnancy.  Sometimes it doesn't feel like it's really happening.  I'm hoping to get some regular kicks soon to make me feel more connected.   I am also looking forward to finding out the sex.  Only nineteen more days!

17 Weeks

Greetings from Ft. Lauderdale!  I'm just here for a few more hours before we hop on our cruise.  I'm really excited.  A little nervous because I've never been on a cruise but I think everything will be okay as long as I know my limits.

I tried uploading a belly pic but it's not working from this public hotel computer.  I'll try later from my phone to see if there's more success.  Lots to do before we leave so this is just a quick update.

I hate my 16 week appointment on Friday and the doctor said I can drink some caffeine if my headaches don't go away with just Tylenol.  Sweet!  Although the other night I had two glasses of soda and couldn't sleep for hours.

I'm starting to feel really big.  When packing for this trip I was sad to realize none of my favorite pre-pregnancy t-shirts fit me right.  Thank God for tank tops and nice weather!

How Far Along: 17 weeks
Size of baby: Baby is the size of an onion.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: Possibly lost a pound this week from the four or so I gained over New Year's.  Still under IVF weight.
Workouts: Nada.

Maternity Clothes: A mix of maternity clothes and regular clothes.
Gender: We will find out February 1st! 3rd because we're doing a cheesy gender reveal cake with our families.  Hate away, I'm excited!

Movement: Yes!  I was sound asleep two nights ago and at three o'clock in the morning I get a sharp pain in my abdomen and it felt like Gizmo was saying "knock knock motherf*cker!"

Sleep: Fine

What I miss: I had wine and it was gross.  I miss not feeling paranoid about the cramping from every single time I stand up more than a minute or two.

Cravings: None.

Symptoms: Standing up ---> cramps
Anxiety Level: Highest when I'm trying to sleep.  A little nervous about our upcoming cruise.  Stranded on a boat with anxiety disorder, OMG!

Best Moment this week: Laying on the beach in Ft. Lauderdale all day yesterday.

Reading: Still reading 11/22/63 by Stephen King, it's really good!

Dad is: On a quick conference call before we head to the port for our cruise!

 

See you next week and hopefully I'll have some great pics!

Saving for Maternity Leave

Note: I'm starting to schedule posts so I can write a bunch when I have time so expect a few posts on topics I haven't been able to write about in my weekly check ins that have little to do with the real time events of my pregnancy.

If you know me outside the context of this blog you may already know this but I have a love/hate relationship with my job.  On the one hand, I make crappy money for an attorney who is six years out of law school.  I also don't feel like the work challenges my abilities most of the time.  Yet I have been reluctant to look elsewhere because it seemed like the perfect job to have while raising a family.

Recently I got a $2500 cost of living adjustment that made me pretty happy. In nearly four years it was only my second COLA.  The first one happened as soon as I started and kicked in six months after I had been there so there's been no more moola since October 2009. Sadly, the news came just as the payroll tax cut expired, meaning DH and I are on the hook for an additional $3400 a year.  I know we are eligible for some of the $1000 per child tax credit but will have to look up what the 2013 phase out amount is for our income. Also some of our income will be exempt but I'm not sure how much that will matter because we both withhold a ton of taxes in our paychecks and still end up owing more money the past two years of marriage.  I guess I shouldn't complain about DH getting more raises but I'm worried 2013 will be a owe money year again though DH thinks we'll be okay.  Stay tuned.

Anyway back to my job....what it lacks in actual monetary compensation it makes up for in spades with benefits.  It wasn't until late this year that I realized I had amassed 45 vacation days and would only be allowed to carry over 30 of them into 2013.  Thus began the mad dash to take time off before I lost it, resulting in the solo trip to Florida as well as an extended Christmas and New Year's vacation.  Throw in two and a half unexpected sick days I was able to use up all but six days of my excess vacation. If only I had a time machine I would get in it and spend a week of the summer sitting on my ass.  C'est le vie!

I'm excited what Gizmo is due in June for several reasons:

1. I work for the state legislature and we adjourn in June.  In fact the last day of the scheduled legislative session is only three days past my due date.  I'm hoping to work right up until the bitter end.

2.  I will have exactly half the year to save and then exactly another half of the year to use my amassed paid time off.

3.  Hello time off in the summer!

Here is my current everything goes according to plan ideal maternity leave schedule:

Thursday, June 20th - three days past due date.  End work.
Friday, June 21 - Thursday, August 1 - 6 weeks sick leave after vaginal delivery
Friday, August 2 - Thursday, September 12 - 6 weeks paid maternity leave
Friday, September 13 - Wednesday, October 23 - 5.7 vacation weeks carried over into 2013

So, as of today, I  need to do nothing other than pop out a baby in June and I will be paid until late October.  But I will also accrue 5 weeks of vacation by the end of 2013 and someone told me you still accrue them even when you're on leave.  I need to find out if this is true.  Let's assume it's not true.  By June I will still have an additional 2 weeks of vacation so no work until at least Election Day.

By then I may be itching to come back.  Work starts to pick up right around Election Day not surprisingly since our members have to make sure they're coming back to the legislature before they can start telling us what to do.  All these calculations don't take into account the amount of comp time I will also accrue between now and June.

Comp time is time off we get for working late.  Last session I was expected to work late one or two days a week.  Some nights when I'm on the calendar and not needed I can head straight home.  Other nights I've plugged away at my desk until 2 or 3 in the morning. It may sound awful but there's no better feeling at midnight of knowing you have secured yourself a free day off in the future.  This year our team of 12 attorneys has suddenly dwindled to eight so I'm scheduled to work at least two late nights a week.  At this rate I won't have to return to work after Gizmo is born for the rest of 2013.

Wow!

Of course every day after 12 weeks of FMLA is subject to approval by the powers that be.  I'm sure my boss will grant me whatever I want so long as I'm back in time for session in 2014 but I'm going to wait a few more months to actually hammer out the details with him.

P.S. Writing this down is now, of course, making me really anxious and paranoid.  I have a friend who is going out on bed rest at 28 weeks.  I know anything can happen during the course of my pregnancy.  It's hard being a planner in an unplannable world.  That is also why infertility sucked so much.

16 Weeks

Hi all!  I took a 14 week picture and planned to post an update but then I had yet another bleeding episode and an ultrasound and was bedridden for a couple of days.  Then it was Christmas and I was out of town for five days.  Then I was back...for one day.  And off again on a five day two-city concert tour for New Year's.  I think I only slept in my own bed for half of the month of December.  DH was there even less.  We have SO much going on but luckily the pregnancy has been fine and dandy ever since my 14 week scare.

I'm wearing the same dress I wore in my ten week and four week posts.  My bump is getting crazy.  I used to think it was cute but my belly button is now a huge cavernous hole so t-shirts and bathing suits I've been trying on for my upcoming trip look silly.

First, the vitals....

How Far Along: 16 weeks, 3 days
Size of baby: Baby is the size of an avocado, I love avocados
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I swear to Santa that I didn't gain any weight at all until this week.  Four pounds in just a matter of days.  I'm pretty bummed about it actually.  I'm still down six pounds from the day of retrieval and one pound from my pre-IVF weight.  I hope I can start exercising soon.
Workouts: I walked to the bank and back.
Maternity Clothes: A mix of maternity clothes and regular clothes.

Gender: We will find out February 1st! 3rd because we're doing a cheesy gender reveal cake with our families.  Hate away, I'm excited!

Movement: Maybe?

Sleep: Eh

What I miss: Wine

Cravings: Really wanted roast beef today but got to the cafeteria too late.

Symptoms: Killer headache and still so tired.  Standing up ---> cramps
Anxiety Level: Highest when I'm trying to sleep, was about a 6 when DH was driving home from Jersey late at night and I was in bed waiting for him.

Best Moment this week: Seeing my favorite band ring in the new year in Portland, Maine.

Reading: I finished We Need to Talk About Kevin (started a long time ago but I wouldn't recommend it to pregnant people!) and now I'm on 11/22/63 by Stephen King.

Dad is: Dealing with the news of a sick grandmother, stressed with work, applying to new jobs because his boss is a jerk, excited for our cruise.

 

 

Still on pelvic rest despite the fact that the NP I saw at my 14 week appointment said I only needed to be on it for two weeks after a bleed and it's been over two weeks.  I'm sticking to the more serious rule of no funny business until the anatomy scan.  We cheated once though because nine weeks without intimacy is...well nine weeks without intimacy.  All was well but I felt guilty.  I have an appointment tomorrow so hopefully I can get a definitive answer on what I should be doing.

 

We had a great time at our concerts over New Year but I had to remain seated most of the time because standing up for long period of time makes me crampy and uncomfortable.  Also, my belly hurts.  I haven't seen this on any other sites.  It's like I can feel it growing all the time and it is just totally weird. I thought I felt kicks the other night but it may have just been the music vibrations on my stomach.

 

I took to bed with a wicked headache last night.  So far today I've been headache free.

 

We leave for Florida on Saturday where we'll hang out for two days before getting on our first ever cruise.  I'm pretty excited.  A little overwhelmed with work, packing and oh yeah, DH's grandmother was just diagnosed with leukemia and our car was hit today.  I could use a day at the beach.

On an emotional note...I was a mess today thinking of about something being wrong with Gizmo.  I still haven't really come to terms with the fact that he will be an actual baby in my arms in June.  I'm just not ready to think that way.  But the idea of him not being safe and sound in my belly anymore makes me uncontrollably sad.  Normal I guess but I'm going to bring it up with my therapist tomorrow.

Also...my psychiatrist wants me to wean off of Zoloft!  That conversation sent me into a stress spiral for two days.  I don't think I am going to do it but I'll reexamine after the cruise.  Her reasoning is that I'm on such a low dose (50 mg) and have so many resources available to me for my anxiety that she's not even sure I'm symptomatic anymore.  I'll share more thoughts on this at a later date because they are lengthy.